Losing your best friend at 21

I’ve lived the most American life you could think of. I have two parents and one brother. I went to a private school and went to college right after high school with plans to graduate in May. I’ve never been through the trauma of divorce, sickness or accident. One October 23rd life brought me to a new low. I will never forget the words flowing from my mother’s mouth, “There been an accident and Morgan is dead. There’s nothing we can do. I am so sorry.” The phrase echoed in my head, there’s nothing we can do. What do you mean? There has to be something…

Here I am a month later and still broken. The wound still hurts enough that if you catch me on a bad day I’ll still tear up when I talk about it. How can it be that I have to live the next 50+ yeas without you? We had so much planned for our futures, our kids futures. But I know hanging on to the What-ifs will eat you alive. I still have a lot to learn about myself but here is what I have learned the most.

The corny “I’ll think about you everyday” phrase… completely true.

I swear Morgan I think about you every third thought. I can’t even get all the way dressed in the morning before I have my first thought about you. I am forever searching for memories where you exist. Everyone who misses you is constantly living in a parallel universe were you exist.

No matter what is going on between you and someone else, when something like this happens they text you.

This tragic event let me know who was truly there for me. People I hadn’t talked to in 2+ years reached out to me and let me know they were here for me. I received messages from people who I had figured forgotten about our friendship. But I also didn’t receive message from people I expected to hear from. In one case in particular I think one of my cousin last gifts to me was help me realize how toxic that friendship was to myself.

Grief attacks are my new version of panic attacks

I’ll be going about my day as normally planned and next thing I know I am on my knees crying because something has happened that has made me remember that you are no longer there. When I get out of the shower I now no longer have someone to send a snapchat to complain about the fact that I had to shower.

Not to mention, grieving is one of the most tiring experiences

After a long day of thinking about you I am exhausted. I couldn’t imagine missing someone is this. I didn’t know missing you would make it so I physically couldn’t stay away

The idea of dying is no longer scary

I don’t mean this in a “I want to die right now” but the idea that if I die in 20 years and I get to see you again is comforting. I’m so happy that one day we will be together again, hanging out and giggling until we can’t breath anymore.

It’s possible to cry for so long your head is throbbing and your eyes hurt to blink

I had honestly never cried for 12 hours straight. After everything happened my mom and dad came up to take me out to eat and to check up on me. I didn’t stop crying the entire time they were here. I only stopped crying to sleep and immediately started crying the minute I woke up. I did save one picture because I knew you’d love to see an ugly picture of me 🙂

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